Mixer Warranty Form

(Although my family didn't believe it, I composed this entirely on my own on April 1, 2001.)

I tried using a mixer that I just bought on some cookies today. After using it, I made up this warranty redemption form that should have been included with the mixer:

MIXER WARRANTY REDEMPTION FORM

  1. Are you male?

    Yes
    No (If no, skip remaining questions)

  2. Did you read the owner's manual?

    No

  3. Are you aware that abusing this equipment invalidates the warranty?

    No

  4. You abused this product by trying to mix which of the following: (Check as many as apply)

    cookie dough
    cookie dough with chocolate chips
    cookie dough with chocolate chips despite the fact that the mixer was straining and smoking
    mud
    wet cement
    almost-dry cement
    dry cement
    drywall (?)
    a pail of nuts a bolts (?!)

  5. You bought this product just because of the power boost button, didn't you?

    Yes

  6. Are you aware that this product is not as powerful nor as rugged as a power drill?

    I am now

That concludes our questionaire. And before you ask, PLEASE do not try hooking up one of the beaters to your power drill. This could result in metal shards being hurled about the room at high velocities.