Woman - A Chemical Analysis

Element Name: Woman
Periodic Chart Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
Atomic Mass: Generally accepted as 110 lbs., but known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.
Occurence: Copious quantities in all urban areas.

Physical Properties

  1. Surface usually covered with a painted film.
  2. Boils with no provocation.
  3. Freezes up solid unexpectedly.
  4. Melts if given special treatment.
  5. Bitter if incorrectly used or ignored.
  6. Yields to pressure applied to certain points.

Chemical Properties

  1. Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones such as diamonds, rubies and sapphires among others.
  2. Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
  3. May explode spontaneously without prior warning or reason.
  4. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
  5. Most powerful money-reducing agent known to man.

Common Uses

  1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports car.
  2. Can be a great aid to relaxation.
  3. Very effective cleaning agent.

Tests

  1. Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in the natural state.
  2. Turns green with envy when placed beside a better specimen.
  3. Defies proper aging analysis techniques.

Hazards

  1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
  2. Illegal to possess more than one at a time although several can be maintained at different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.